In Retrospect…

We’re interrupting this week’s regularly scheduled shenanigans for a brief trip down memory lane. Instead of dishing on my exciting journey in the wonderful world of downloadable dating apps (I’m being very sarcastic if you couldn’t tell),  I’ve decided to do a little reflection. You know how they say you’re doomed to repeat the mistakes of your past if you don’t acknowledge them? Well yeah, that’s the point of this post. So let’s get to it.

Today is a very interesting day for me. It marks the 365th day of my journey in singledom. Yup, that’s right. An “On This Day” notification from Facebook reminded me that today is the anniversary of my  break up with ole bae (I posted a Twenty88 quote as my declaration of independence). I know it sounds hella weird but man, this anniversary is really something worth celebrating. I’ve grown so much in the last 12 months that I can’t believe it myself sometimes.

Being single at 27 feels so different than being single and carefree on the new side at SUNY Old Westbury (hey to all my fellow Panthers that are reading this).  I’ve learned to articulate my most VULNERABLE feelings without fear of judgement and that’s huge, for me at least. I’ve got a pokerface that’s out of this world and pride like you’d never believe. Acknowledging those two things and the detrimental role they both played in previous situations made me realize that I might not be as perfect as I thought I was.

Instead of brushing things under the rug and going TF off when it becomes unbearable, I’ve practiced (successfully in some instances, not so much in others) gathering my thoughts and expressing them without going complete BITCH mode. Even when the no second chances, stern AF, not letting you forget your screw up Young Baeless gets activated, it’s a lot more chill than I’ve been in the past, and that’s something that I’m extremely proud of.

Even when it comes to betrayal and conflict resolution, I’ve learned how to manage it all so much better. I’ve come to accept the fact that people’s actions are oftentimes a reflection of how they feel about themselves. When people say mean, hurtful things about you, most times, it’s because they wish they saw whatever they hate about you within themselves. I’ve also learned the importance of boundaries. If you allow someone to treat you poorly and reward them with love, affection and support, why the hell would they act right? If you accept the endless apologies that follow unforgivable and intolerable fuccboi behavior, why would people be inclined to get (and KEEP) their shit together?  They wouldn’t be!

Whenever I’d be ready to leave guys previously, I’d always have doubts about whether or not I was really done. I’d literally question myself to death. Thoughts of whether or not I was really ready to press pause on the love that I’d developed stayed with me long after the “official breakup” but this time was different.  Maybe it was because I felt like I’d grown further and further removed from the situation emotionally before we even called it quits? Could it be the distraction I’d received in the form of a new chocolate acquaintance (that ultimately turned into a flop)? Who knows! Whatever the case, this post-breakup experience has given me so much life. I was basically left in solitude without much else to do besides analyze all of my less than productive relationship contributions and that’s a large part of what brought me here.

But enough of me and my single-versary. We’ll be back with your regularly scheduled shenanigans next week!

Until next time,

2 thoughts on “In Retrospect…

  1. I love and lived this post. I think it is the ultimate sign of growth when despite the cause of a breakup (and all the wrong things you know the other person did), you can analyze yourself and make changes accordingly. I remember celebrating this day even though I was already in a relationship. Matter of fact, that day still still serves as a reminder on which I celebrate the lessons I learned. I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be as free now without that tangled web.

    Liked by 1 person

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