They’re Out To Get Me

Listen! The last few days have been the absolute most. I’ve been hysterically laughing at all of the foolishness I’ve encountered recently and I’m pretty sure you’ll get a chuckle out of it too.

Case in point…this dude…we’ll call him Emoji. Emoji and I matched on Soul Swipe and had some cool conversation. I should’ve known something was up with him because he was the typical shirt off, light brown/hazel/green squinty eye, lip licking in all his pics type. We exchanged numbers and his first question to me was would I mind if he sent me a picture. Guys these days are so weird about sending pictures to put as your contact info (or so they say) so I didn’t think too much of it. I should’ve seen the red flag and ran but no. I told him I didn’t mind. Y’all! Why did this man send me a dick pic? As if seeing his fully erected you know what didn’t gross me out, why did this man have the nerve to put heart eye emojis down the length of his you know what! I told him that wasn’t what I expecting when he mentioned sending a pic and the conversation seemed to end. I thought that was the end all be all of my communication with Emoji, but nah, he had more in store for the kid. Why did I wake up the following morning to a video of his fully erected you know what…uhhh… how can I say this without being too graphic…uhh erupting? Yeah, that sounds okay. Why did he send me a video of his you know what erupting?

Now, I’m no prude. I get that sexting is here to stay and that’s cool with me. If you wanna send your nudes that’s your personal business. This is a judgement free zone. BUT I’d prefer to actually know more than just your name and phone number before you start showing off your unmentionables. Like bro, we ain’t ‘eem FaceTime yet. I could’ve been a man for all he knew.

Speaking of catfish (I know that was a terrible segue but whatevs) ya girl finally got her first experience with catfishing. I should’ve known it would happen one way or the other but I had no idea it would happen the way it did. So Paisley (clearly his real name has been redacted) and I linked on Soul Swipe as well. I can’t lie, I was extremely attracted to his profile picture. The first red flag should been the fact that he only had one picture. Whether they’re the trashiest of the trash or the dopest of the dope, just about everybody on Soul Swipe has at least two pictures on their profile. I’m usually skeptical about really handsome guys with one picture and empty profiles b/c it just screams catfish to me, but yet again I disregarded my instincts. Paisley was really handsome. Light skinned, glasses, white teeth, athletic build, pierced ear and TALL! We swapped numbers, had some bomb convo and then he asked to video chat. Me being me, I was like okay why not. Y’ALL!!! Why did the person that appeared on the video chat look nothing like the man in the picture I saw. The only comparison Paisley shared with his profile pic was the fact that he was A-male and B-light skinned. Dass it.

We wound up having technical issues so our video chat was cut short. I think that was God looking out for me. Paisley and I didn’t converse much after that. I want to ask him about his profile picture but I’m not too sure how to do that without sounding too demeaning. As much as I laugh and play around, I’d hate to hurt someone’s feelings even if they’re a stranger I’ve met on the innanetz.

If you’re up for more foolery I’ve got one last story for you. Why on God’s green earth did I come across someone’s profile whose picture was taken at a funeral? How do I know it was taken at a funeral you ask? The dead body laying in a casket directly behind the smiling man told me so! RIP to whoever’s auntie/mother/granny that was but yeah. This man literally was flicking it up in front of somebody’s casket and decided it was an appropriate picture to post on a dating app of all places. Maybe he wants the world to remember the lady behind him or maybe he is just wild enough to believe that’s regular behavior, whatever the case his ass got swiped left because that’s unacceptable to me.

These experiences just scratch the surface of the foolery I’ve encountered recently. I’m almost convinced this is the universe telling me to steer clear of light skinned guys(the funeral guy was dark skinned tho) of a certain aesthetic and I’m super close to taking heed to that warning. Whatever the case, the YB journey has brought me so many laughs on some days that I really, really needed them.

Until next time,