A couple of weeks ago, one of the first friends I made via Ole Bae hit me up for relationship advice. Basically the friend asked “how did you deal when leaving a long term situation? Do you think it’s possible for things to still work out in light of ABC things coming to light?” Throughout our conversation, the friend seemed receptive to my suggestions and even recognized how their behaviors affected their partner.
Once our conversation began to come to a close, I was then asked to reach out to their significant other as a mediator of sorts. Normally, I would object because what goes on between people in relationships is their business and I’m never one to toe that line. HOWEVERRRRR considering this couple had been together for almost a decade, I thought it was only right to give it a try. Once I reached out, everything went well. I did my best to steer clear of making assumptions, placing blame or delving too deep into the details. The partner was very receptive of what I was saying and that’s where it ended.
After having conversations with both partners I kinda did some reflecting myself. A lot of the advice I gave both of them were things I wish I’d considered before ending my last relationship TBH. Since sharing is caring, I decided to share a few things that anyone contemplating ending a relationship should consider.
First thing’s first move off of logic – not emotion! Remove your emotions from the situation before you make a decision. One thing about me, I’m extremely quick tempered when it’s that time of the month. 99.8% of every argument I’ve EVER had, physical altercation I’ve EVER been in has been when Mother Nature decided to wreak havoc on my body and ultimately my emotions. I don’t know what it is, it’s like my self control and judgment goes out of the window a few days each month. And since we’re all human beings with emotions, it’s really important to make sure we’re not being impulsive when making the decision to end a relationship. You may be angry and pissed off today, but take a few days to calm down and revisit the issue at hand. The saying clearer heads prevail is true AF. Take it from me and my young baeless self!
Next up, determine the REAL reason you’re want to end things. Is it something that can be fixed? Are you interested in someone else? Is your health and/or safety being compromised? The quickest way to end up with a bunch of ‘what ifs’ or regrets is to overlook the real reason you’re splitting up with someone.
Once you’re done with that, look back on the good times. When you’re beefing with bae and ready to throw in the towel, you’re usually focused on the bad times. The things that led you to the place where you are now. It’s important to look back at the good times you’ve shared with someone and consider if you’re ready to let go of it all.
Then you should try to determine if it’s fixable. What are your hard limits? Things you are unwilling to compromise on. If whatever trouble you’re having with your partner is something that can be fixed with some open dialogue then have at it. If you guys are having a hard time communicating your feelings effectively, consider talking to a professional. Knowing what I know now, I definitely could have made different choices in previous situations, especially with Ole Bae. I literally told my best friend the other day that if I’d known dating was so trash, I would’ve fought tooth and nail to fix the issues that plagued my last relationship b/c they were definitely fixable with some honest dialogue.
After determining if it’s fixable, you should also figure out if you and your partner are both committed to fixing it. Fighting for a relationship is almost impossible when there’s one person committed to making things right. It’s only right that you both be at least willing to fix things. There’s not enough working things out, changing myself, working on things that annoyed my partner in this world to make a person that’s checked out of a relationship to reconsider. At least not in my personal experience, but you know there’s always exceptions to the rules.
That brings me to my next point, be honest with yourself. I’ve got this motto that I’m nobody’s mother, doctor, judge or jury therefore, there’s no information anyone should feel like they’d have to withhold from me. That said, you should be just as honest with what you’re feeling. Don’t say one thing and mean another. Are you constantly accusing bae of creeping when you really just want them to spend more time with you? Are you really mad that your partner complimented something someone has or are you feeling insecure about the things you do/don’t have? Be careful not to project your personal issues on your partner. You gotta be willing to get down to the core of your TRUE issues and determine if you are really struggling personally, or if you really have an issue with how your partner is moving out here.
Whichever one you decide, it’s important to write down the pros and cons of being with your partner. Don’t judge me because I’m a writer, but I really think it’s important to literally see if there’s balance in your situation. If the cons overweigh the pros then you might want to go on about your business.
Lastly, get ready to communicate like an adult. Once you figure out the things listed above, you should be ready to talk to your partner. Regardless of if you decide to stay together or kick bae to the curb, there’s a conversation that needs to be had. One where you should check your ego and pride at the door (this WAS a huge issue of mine but I’ve made hella progress YALL!) and realize that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen twice as much as you speak!
Be sure that you’re interpreting what your partner is saying for what they’re really saying. No reading between the lines, ingest the words that they’re saying as just that. If your partner says “I really think you could be better at ABC,” it doesn’t mean that you suck at it. It doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate the XYZ things you do. It simply means you can improve at ABC. Be sure to listen with ears of understanding instead of rushing to defend yourself. When you get on the defensive when having these kinds of conversations, it can lead things getting emotional and really heated and that’s counterproductive AF when you’re tryna have come to an understanding with someone.
1k words later and that’s pretty much all the advice I’ve got. If you’re still reading this, you’re the real MVP. Since I’ve opened up about my list, leave me a comment with some things that help you decide when it’s time to let go of a relationship.
Until next time,